Maycie's Day...

We love Memorial Day, although we like to call it Maycie's Day. Tyse was a little shy of 3 weeks old when he got to see his sister's "heart" [as Zayne calls it] for the first time. It was fun to have us all together! It was excruciatingly hot at the cemetery that day so poor little Tyse didn't really enjoy it all that much.

[our angel baby]

 [family photo]

 [tyse was so mad at his dad for making the sun be in his eyes]

 [grandpa, auntie, and cousins putting the flowers around maycie's heart]

 [schwartz grandkids with grandma and gramps]

 [tyse was fine as long as jake blocked the sun from his face]

We love little Maycie!

A Day to Remember...

On the night of May 5th, Jake and I barely slept a wink. We were both anxious and nervous for 6:30am to arrive so we could make our way to the hospital for our 7:45am delivery time. After what seemed like 10 minutes of sleep, I woke up to my phone ringing. Apparently, the hospital messed up our prep time and we were supposed to be there at 5:30am. So we hurried and jumped out of bed and made it to the hospital in record time. I was immediately prepped and wheeled to the operating room. Although we felt a little rushed, it was actually great because we didn't have time to get nervous.

Funny story...all morning I was complaining to Jake that the baby was moving around too much and it was hurting me. It was so uncomfortable. Right before I was taken into the operating room, Dr. Cox came in to talk with me. I told him I was ready because the little guy was making me super uncomfortable with his movements. Dr. Cox looked at me funny and said, "Um, you're uncomfortable because you're in labor, Katie. You're having contractions." Whoops. Good thing I was scheduled for a c-section because I would have never known I was in labor.

I think hospitals purposely make the operating rooms freezing cold and completely frightening. Seriously, I was shaking so bad - not from nerves [well, maybe a little], but from the absolute below freezing temperature in the room. And shaking paired with a gigantic needle being pierced into your spine is not a good combination. Dr. Cox and a nurse had to come and hold me still while the anesthesiologist gave me my spinal tap.

The worst part about the c-section is the time before the surgery starts...Jake is not allowed in the room until that have pretty much already started the process. So I am always a little nervous without him. But luckily, this time I had my favorite doctor to keep me company and my anesthesiologist was super friendly too.

I cannot even begin to tell you how much easier this c-section was compared to my first. I knew what to expect so I was a lot more calm. I was also able to ask for nausea medicine before I actually got too sick so I didn't throw up this time [yahoo!]. And Jake knew to not give me a play by play like he did with Maycie...the boy learned from his mistakes! And to be honest, I think my spinal tap worked a little too well with Maycie because I was honestly numb from my chin down, which made it feel like I could not breathe at all. I was panicking the entire surgery. That didn't happen this time. I could go on and on about the differences but let's just say this time was MUCH, MUCH better. I credit this to the fact that it was not an emergency situation so the doctors were able to take their own sweet little time.

It didn't take long for my little man to arrive. He was born at 7:13am, about 10 minutes after the surgery began. He was 6 pounds 6 ounces and 19 inches long.  I remember Dr. Cox calling across the curtain to me staying how beautiful our little guy was. I am sure he says that to everyone but it was neat to hear him say it. He knew I needed reassurance throughout the entire surgery given our history so he talked to me often. He then lifted little Tyson over the curtain for me to get the first glimpse of him. He looked so angry at us, but was so so cute at the same time. He didn't immediately breathe though so the nurses had to take him quickly to help him. That first little cry was amazing...we didn't get to hear that with sweet Maycie. I, of course, started bawling so I couldn't see anything because I wasn't allowed to move my arms to wipe my eyes. Jake came to my rescue though and brought my little buddy over for a quick kiss before he was taken out of the operating room for tests. Jake went with our little man so I was again left alone.

After I was stitched up [They used stitches this time instead of staples. Again, SO much better!] I was taken into the recovery room for what seemed like an eternity. I think it was only about an hour....still, it was a very LONG time for a new momma. I was anxious to hold my baby though so I was getting agitated that the nurse wasn't taking me to my room.

I was finally taken to our room but Jake and the baby were not even there yet! Apparently they were waiting in another room for me. We eventually found each other and I was FINALLY able to hold our little man. He was so sweet and wide eyed. It was then that we finally settled on his name. We had three names that I kept going back and forth between, although I was always pretty sure it would be Tyson Nolan. I have had this name picked out since I was about 8 years old...I even have it written in one of my first little journals.

That day we had LOTS of visitors and we loved it! We are pretty proud of little Tyse and we loved showing him off to our families.

We spent two nights in the hospital and although it was super nice to send Tyse to the nursery so we could get a little sleep, we were beyond ready to go home.

Bringing Tyson into our home has brought such a sweet spirit to us. We are so grateful to be blessed with both a sweet spirit in our home and one waiting for us in heaven. I love my little family so much and am so grateful for a healthy baby boy!

For more pictures of Tyson's birth, click here.

Chubby Fingers...

Happy three month birthday Maycie Girl. We love you Angel Baby!

[my favorite chubby little fingers]

Thinking of you always, 

Momma

The Things They Say on Sunday...

My 5-year-old Primary class is the best. The best, I tell you. They say the cutest [and strangest] things ever. And I just love it. I have three adorable little girls [S, L, and A] and one special little boy [C] in my class. Their knowledge of the gospel amazes me. The things they say on Sunday are just too "profound" to keep to myself. 

Me: We need to choose the right so we can return to Heaven and be with Heavenly Father.

S: My big brother is in heaven.

Me: Oh, I am so sorry. I have a little baby girl in heaven too.

L: [to S] Does that mean your big brother is...dead?

S: No silly...my big brother is Jesus. 

DUH. 

.....

Me: Joseph Smith had lots of brothers and sisters.

L: One time, my dad pulled down his brother's pants and kissed his butt! [cue hysterical giggling]

Thanks, little L. That really did pertain to the lesson.

.....

Me: Joseph Smith's mom and dad loved him very much so they believed Joseph when he told them he saw Heavenly Father and Jesus. 

L: Sometimes moms and dads don't love their kids and so the police have to come and take the kids away.

C: [almost in tears] I don't want the police to come to my house.

Me: It's okay, C. They won't come because I know your mom and dad love you very much.

C: But my mom broke up with my dad...

Uh. You better believe this is when I pulled out some M&M's to change the subject. 

.....

A: [In her sweet prayer] Please bless we wont die...or something. [giggles] That's a silly thing to say in a prayer. Amen.

.....

L: [to me] Teacher, could you pulease bring us a different treat besides M&M's next week? There are other candies you know.

.....

C: [shows me his Book of Mormon] Did you know this book has Jesus in it?

Me: Yes, I did know that!

C: [in the cutest whiny voice a newly 5yr old boy can muster] I miss Jesus so much. I wish I could live with him again already.  It's just taking too long!

Talk about melting my heart!

.....

Primary President: Do you know what language missionaries speak in Brazil?

Me: [to my class] Raise your hand and say Portuguese.

L: [raises hand and screams excitedly] They speak "Oh cheese"! 

Excuse me, but it has to be said...

Yesterday one of my best friends from high school slash college roommate stopped by the hotel to say hello. I have not seen her in years [well, she did visit at the hospital after Maycie was born but let's be honest...I was heavily medicated and don't remember a thing]. It was so good to see her and we talked like not even a second had passed since we had been together. She brought with her her adorable little boy who just tugged at my heartstrings. He, like little Maycie, was born with complicated health issues.

Our short conversation was mainly focused on our special little children. We talked about the hospital, the nurses, the NICU, and everything in between. And my favorite part? Somebody finally understood me and was comfortable holding a conversation with me about little Maycie.

The most common question I am asked is "How do you do it? How do you get through the day?" My friend said she gets the same question concerning her little boy and his serious health problems. And it was just so good to have someone understand what I meant when I said, "Well, it is what it is. You just deal."

I admit it. My pregnancy was hard. My delivery was hard. Losing Maycie was tremendously hard. Is hard. And just recently [as in this week] I have been able to make it through the day without crying. But there is still not a second that goes by in a day when I am not thinking about Maycie. I wake up in the morning and think...I should hear my baby crying.  I talk to a client at work and think...I should be at home with my baby. I drive in the car and think...I should have my baby in the backseat. It is never-ending. But...I just deal. I have to.

//

Going back to work so close to Maycie's passing has been hard [but therapeutic at exactly the same time]. Mainly because the last time I was there, I was pregnant. And not many of my co-workers and regular guests are aware of Maycie's passing. So I get a lot of "How's the baby?" which, believe me, I prepared myself for. I even came up with a quick response I could pull out when needed. But the awkward stumbling for words after my "quick response" is still hard to get used to.

I understand the fact that people don't know what to say to me. Sometimes I bring up little Maycie in casual conversations [she's my little girl...I am allowed to talk about her] and my statement is followed by uncomfortable silence. I get it. I understand. I would be the same way if the situation was reversed. But please don't feel uncomfortable. Jake and I are trying to heal. And our healing process is unquestionably fueled by surrounding ourselves with co-workers, good friends, and family. If you're uncomfortable talking to us, we can tell. And we don't want you to be. So don't be. Understood?

I mean, we are still the same people. I know infant death is a hard thing for people to comprehend and be comfortable talking about. But Jake and I...well, we have been blessed with a greater understanding since Maycie passed. And we know we will have a chance to raise our little angel baby one day. And that knowledge, plus talking about my little Maycie, gets me through the day. Again, we are the same people - so treat us that way.

Moral of this long, jumbled, and brutally honest post, you ask? Here you go. Please don't feel uncomfortable talking to me. Ever. Loosing my baby is extremely hard to say the least. But...I am dealing.

Our Sweet Angel Baby...

"The Lord takes many away even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again." - Prophet Joseph Smith

Today is the scheduled day Maycie was supposed to be born. 
In her memory, I decided it was time to recap her birth story.

//

On Tuesday, December 11th, I met with my doctor for my weekly appointment. I mentioned I felt decreased movement from little Maycie. I was sent over for a stress test to monitor her heart rate. The test came back "just okay". My doctor decided to see me the following day for an ultrasound and a follow-up stress test.  On Wednesday, December 12th, I had a 9:30am ultrasound [I think it was about our 20th ultrasound...we lost count]. By 9:35, my tech made the decision Maycie needed to be delivered that day. Her amniotic fluid was almost nonexistent. My doctor sent me home for one hour to pack a bag and shower and then I needed to go back to the hospital for the stress test before heading to Salt Lake.  Maycie's heart rate fluctuated way to much. At one point it went from 70 bpm all the way up to 180 bpm in a matter of seconds. But the little fighter corrected herself as much as she could.

[Last baby bump picture taken right before delivery in the UUMC bathroom]

The drive to SLC was never ending. Jake and I couldn't wait to meet our little girl but we were also very nervous to deliver at 35 weeks [especially because our doctor, Dr. Draper, was at a medical conference in South Africa]. Once we arrived, I was immediately set up on machines to monitor Maycie's heart. At one point, we had about 6 doctors rush into our room and tell us they needed to take me NOW. I had to hurry and sign some consent forms while they started to wheel my bed away. My heart dropped. This was not the way I had imagined meeting my little girl. But Maycie fought once more and was able to correct her heart rate just in time. It was a very scary 60 seconds. The doctors were able to slow down and catch their breath which made the situation a little less scary for Jake and I. We were taken into the delivery room about 20 minutes later. Maycie was born at 7:44pm. She weighted 3 lbs 3 oz and was 16 inches long.

The actual delivery went quite quick. Jake insisted on watching the whole procedure. Makes me queasy just thinking about it. I kept begging him to sit down next to me, which he did. But then I would catch him sneaking back up to watch. Silly boy. There were a few complications with the closure and I had quite the "fun" reactions to the medication [I am sure the nurses got awfully sick of me throwing up on them]. But through it all, I just wanted to meet my little girl.

In the delivery room, there is a small window straight into the NICU at University of Utah. Right when they delivered Maycie, she was transfered through the "window". I didn't get to see her at this point. One of the reasons for this was Maycie's omphalocele ruptured upon delivery. Oringinally, her "O" was surrounded by a membrane that concealed her organs. For whatever reason, the membrane broke and exposed her organs upon delivery. Her "O" became even more life threatening at this point.

Once she was taken through the window, her doctors wrapped her omphalocele the best they could so she could be safely transported to Primary Children's. PCMC actually sent a life flight team over to pick up Maycie. They even gave her a cute little t-shirt showing she had been life flighted, even though they just wheeled her down a small hallway to PCMC. On their way to Primary's, the life flight team stopped in my room so I could meet my little girl. I can't express the feelings I had at that moment. Her abnormalities were very apparent, but she was beautiful. Perfect in every way. This visit with my little girl was extremely short because Maycie needed the medical attention Primary's offered.

[Meeting Maycie during her "life flight". I couldn't move from my spinal tap so Jake had to hold me up.]

Jake followed Maycie to PCMC while I was taken to my room. The next several hours dragged on forever. I wanted to be with my sweet baby girl, but due to my spinal tap [and...you know...being sliced in half], I was told I would have to wait 12 hours before I could make the trip to Primary's.

Around midnight [about 4 hours after delivery] Jake called me and gave me devastating news. The doctors thought there was a very good chance Maycie would not make it through the night. I was heartbroken. I could not believe my little girl might pass away with me only seeing her for 5 minutes. But that night I was extremely blessed with two amazing nurses who "fibbed" on my charts stating I was in better medical condition than I actually was. Due to their kindness, I was able to make it to PCMC around 3:30am to see Maycie. I will never forget their compassion in that situation.

To see Maycie in the NICU with her daddy holding her tiny hand was heartbreaking and breathtaking at exactly the same time. Her tiny body was covered in medical equipment. But her little spirit was so apparent underneath all of the tubes and needles. All I wanted to do was reach out, hold her in my arms, and take all of her pain away.

The next day [or later that day, I guess] I was able to take my parents, my sister Kim, and my brother Alan and his wife into the NICU to meet little Maycie. I kept imagining how their meeting would have been so different if Maycie was healthy. But I will never regret the closeness I felt with my family members as we stood next to Maycie's hospital bed.

[My daddy wheeling me to see baby Maycie]

Each visit I made to the NICU that day was filled with new information from several doctors who never left Maycie's side. And each time I received even more devastating news. My little girl was sedated, but still felt pain. This fact caused me more pain and hurt than I can even describe.

By the end of that day, it was apparent our little Maycie would not survive her many complications. The several machines attached to her and the many medications given were the only things keeping our little girl here on earth. Because of this, Jake and I had to make the decision to let our little Maycie return to her Heavenly Father. As I look back, I know Jake and I were both being "comforted" at that time. It was the hardest decision we would ever have to make, but we both knew it was the right one.

Jake's parents arrived at the hospital around midnight to meet Maycie Laine before her ventilator was turned off. Once they arrived, Maycie's team of doctors moved her into a private room where we could finally hold our little girl. I cannot begin to describe the feelings I had when our sweet little girl was placed in my arms. I have never felt closer to heaven than I did at that moment.

Jake and his dad were able to give little M a blessing before she passed. It was such an amazing experience and I will forever cherish the feelings I felt as I watched Jake hold his little girl in his arms at that moment.

Being in that room with my little girl while she passed was the most painful and most comforting experience I have ever had. Time passed slowly and quickly at exactly the same time. Little Maycie Laine Schwartz returned to her heavenly home at 6am on 12.14.12 -- about 36 hours after birth.

I am so grateful for every single one of the people who were there that night helping Maycie pass with the least amount of pain possible. I am grateful for each of their sweet comments. I am grateful for the little memorabilia they gifted us with. I am grateful for the professional photographer who captured our first and last moments of holding our little girl [can't wait to see them]. I am just so grateful.

//

Maycie's tiny little body was laid to rest in Malta on 12.21.12, one week after she passed. We held a small graveside funeral surrounded by our closest family members. Maycie's Grandpa Schwartz gave an opening prayer and her Grandpa Branch gave the dedicatory prayer. Her daddy said a few words as well. It was short and perfectly sweet -- just like her life on this earth. 

[Maycie Laine's 19 inch casket. So little.]

[Some of Maycie's things the hospital gave us. Her little hand cast is my favorite. And her headband...it fits on my wrist]

//

Thank you all for the love and support you have offered us. I cannot begin to express our gratitude. The outpouring of support we have received - both emotionally and financially - has been overwhelming. Jake and I will forever be grateful for each and every one of you.  

To Maycie, Love Us...

When we got home from the hospital, we were surprised with sweet messages from our nieces and nephews to their cousin [and niece...can't forget Auntie Marie] Maycie. Each message was attached to a white balloon and each one made me cry. Kids say the most comforting things without even trying...

//

//

Me love you baby Maycie a very lot. 

- Jace [age 4]

I love you and Maycie. I think she has the cutest name. 

- Olivia [age 6]

I asked Zayne what he would tell little Maycie and he said "nuffing". But then he sparked up when I told him Maycie is with Jesus, and he said he would ask her for a toy. 

-Zayne [with help from his mommy] [age 3]

I love you! 

-Luke [age 2]

I want you to know how much I love you. I am thankful that families are forever. 

-Madelyn [age 9]

I love you! I can't wait until the three little girls [Marlee, Chloe, and Maycie] are reunited once again. 

-Chloe [age 1]

I love you, Maycie. I think you would be cute if I could see you. I wish I could see you. Do you like it up in heaven? Is it pretty there? I bet you look so pretty in Heaven. 

-Brynlee [age 6]

I love you. I wish you could be with me. You are the best Christmas present I didn't get to keep. 

-Aunt Marie [age 10]

I want to give you my crocheted hat and make you a craft. If I could talk to you I would tell you that I love you, and you are so cute. 

-Brooke [age 6]

Maycie, I can't wait to see you again. 

-Marlee [age 6 months]

731 Days Ago...

2 years

731 days

104 weeks

17,544 hours

1,052,640 minutes 

63,158,400 seconds

...and counting. 

Jacob Eugene, I love you. Happy 63,158,400 seconds. Here's to a million trillion more!

[two years ago today]

[today]

//

To celebrate we:
Slept in. Glorious.
Ate lunch at Costco. You know, sample style. [Don't worry...we bought groceries too.]
Had $1 churros for dessert. Big spenders!
Paid some of our never-ending hospital bills. Quite exciting if you ask me!
Lounged around on our comfy couch.
Ate dinner at Chili's. We have a love/hate relationship. We always crave it. It always makes us sick. You'd think we would learn.

And now we are about to snuggle up with our cups of sparkling cider and watch a movie.

Yep. We are that crazy. Be jealous.

To my Sweet Baby Maycie...

To my sweet baby Maycie:

Today Daddy and I had to say goodbye to you for the very last time. Your daddy carried your casket all by himself. You are so tiny. It was hard for me to see just how small your casket was. I just couldn't stop picturing your tiny, tiny body [3 lbs 3 oz, 16in long] resting in such a tiny, tiny casket. You wore a pretty white dress. It was the smallest one Grandma Schwartz could find for you, but it still had to be pinned back to fit. And it just happened to be the same dress most of your Branch cousins wore when they were blessed. So special.

Maycie, I miss you. I miss feeling you kick. I miss feeling you have the hiccups. I miss feeling you jab my ribs [even though I cussed you for doing this].

But even more? I miss holding you in my arms. Because your body had so many "ouchies", we only got to hold you for a short time before you passed. But those few hours meant the world to me. Your skin was so soft and the perfect shade of pink. You had the most chubby little hands. Your fingers were my favorite. Short and stubby. So, so adorable. You couldn't even wrap your fingers completely around one of mine. Your cheeks were just the right amount of chubby [you got those from me, you know. Except yours were much, much cuter]. I could kiss them forever. And your hair...where did you get that from? You had so much dark brown hair that the nurses were able to put a perfect little curl on the top of your head. They gave you a pretty white headband too. It fits on my wrist. I just can't get over how small you are.

You may be small, but you made such a huge impact on your daddy and I. I don't think either of us realized just how much love we would have for you. Not only that, but you made us realize just how much we love each other. You are so lucky to have your daddy. He is so patient. So loving. I don't think I could make it through losing you without him wiping away my tears.

I will never forget the glow you had when I first saw you. Your spirit was so strong. I can't even imagine what a strong daughter of God you must be to have chosen to come to earth for such a short amount of time, knowing you would be in terrible pain the entire time you were here. Your Heavenly Father must be so proud of you. I know your daddy and I couldn't be prouder.

Thank you for letting us be your parents. Thank you for showing us a new level of love. Thank you for making me realize just how lucky we are to have the gospel in our lives. I don't know if I could handle losing you if I didn't know I would see you again. I cannot wait for that day.

Until then, be a good girl. Give your cousin Macsen a kiss for us. Take care of your siblings. Watch over your grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins; they love you so much. Learn as much as you can so you can teach me when I finally get to hold you in my arms again.

I love you Maycie Laine. I cannot wait for the day when I can kiss your chubby cheeks and hold your tiny, tiny hand again.

Sweet dreams Maycie girl.

Love,
Momma