Excuse me, but it has to be said...

Yesterday one of my best friends from high school slash college roommate stopped by the hotel to say hello. I have not seen her in years [well, she did visit at the hospital after Maycie was born but let's be honest...I was heavily medicated and don't remember a thing]. It was so good to see her and we talked like not even a second had passed since we had been together. She brought with her her adorable little boy who just tugged at my heartstrings. He, like little Maycie, was born with complicated health issues.

Our short conversation was mainly focused on our special little children. We talked about the hospital, the nurses, the NICU, and everything in between. And my favorite part? Somebody finally understood me and was comfortable holding a conversation with me about little Maycie.

The most common question I am asked is "How do you do it? How do you get through the day?" My friend said she gets the same question concerning her little boy and his serious health problems. And it was just so good to have someone understand what I meant when I said, "Well, it is what it is. You just deal."

I admit it. My pregnancy was hard. My delivery was hard. Losing Maycie was tremendously hard. Is hard. And just recently [as in this week] I have been able to make it through the day without crying. But there is still not a second that goes by in a day when I am not thinking about Maycie. I wake up in the morning and think...I should hear my baby crying.  I talk to a client at work and think...I should be at home with my baby. I drive in the car and think...I should have my baby in the backseat. It is never-ending. But...I just deal. I have to.

//

Going back to work so close to Maycie's passing has been hard [but therapeutic at exactly the same time]. Mainly because the last time I was there, I was pregnant. And not many of my co-workers and regular guests are aware of Maycie's passing. So I get a lot of "How's the baby?" which, believe me, I prepared myself for. I even came up with a quick response I could pull out when needed. But the awkward stumbling for words after my "quick response" is still hard to get used to.

I understand the fact that people don't know what to say to me. Sometimes I bring up little Maycie in casual conversations [she's my little girl...I am allowed to talk about her] and my statement is followed by uncomfortable silence. I get it. I understand. I would be the same way if the situation was reversed. But please don't feel uncomfortable. Jake and I are trying to heal. And our healing process is unquestionably fueled by surrounding ourselves with co-workers, good friends, and family. If you're uncomfortable talking to us, we can tell. And we don't want you to be. So don't be. Understood?

I mean, we are still the same people. I know infant death is a hard thing for people to comprehend and be comfortable talking about. But Jake and I...well, we have been blessed with a greater understanding since Maycie passed. And we know we will have a chance to raise our little angel baby one day. And that knowledge, plus talking about my little Maycie, gets me through the day. Again, we are the same people - so treat us that way.

Moral of this long, jumbled, and brutally honest post, you ask? Here you go. Please don't feel uncomfortable talking to me. Ever. Loosing my baby is extremely hard to say the least. But...I am dealing.

Strangeness...

You know it is a strange day when you Facetime your little sister and instead see the faces of these two crazies!!!

Sometimes...

Sometimes // I go to bed at 8:30pm. Just because I can.

Sometimes // I change my clothes 16 times and then put back on the first outfit I had on.

Sometimes // I miss my husband so much that I Facetime him while he is in the other room. No big deal.

Sometimes // I decide to go on a diet. And then Jake brings me home a Caramello.

Sometimes // I throw my diet out the window.

Sometimes // I quit my job. Then four months later they hire me back in a different position. Awesome.

Sometimes // I give up soda. And this sometime happens to be up to 23 days. Even more awesome.

Sometimes // I check my blog stats and see pageviews from Russia, Singapore, Japan, Israel, and Poland.

Sometimes // I see the visitors from these crazy places and think I should become a private blogger.

Sometimes // I go into Maycie's bright turquoise room and imagine her playing in her cute white crib.

Sometimes // I start a new job and Jake gets a promotion on the same day. Awesome.

Sometimes // I find myself in awe at the kindness of others. Pure awe.

Sometimes // I write random blog posts just to pass the time until Jake gets off work.

12 on the 12th: January

Let's try this again, shall we?
Blog, welcome back 12 on the 12th.
Try to do better than last year, m'kay?

January: 12 on the 12th

one // Last night I was just too tired and too grumpy to clean the kitchen. I left the sink full of dishes, the counter covered in papers, and even left our dinner out [uh, gross]. This morning I woke up to a sparkly clean kitchen. That husband of mine...I just love him. [and while we are on topic, take a peek at our "before remodel" kitchen here]

two // Jake's parents came today to pick up their four wheeler we borrowed several months ago. Jake couldn't help but take it on one last joyride [a.k.a the ever exciting snow removal]. 

three // Jake's sweet parents treated us to lunch. Just don't mind that I forgot to take a picture myself so I totally stole one off the internet.  That's what I call improvising. 

four // I have been telling Jake for the last few months that I wished the Book of Mormon was set up more like a novel. The English nerd in me thinks it would be easier for me to read. Today Jake bought me one of the original Book of Mormon look-a-likes. It reads just like a novel [you know...no versus, just chapters]. Can't wait to trick my mind into reading more [it will work...I think].

five // Tomorrow is my first official day in my new calling in our ward. Can't wait to teach those cute little five-year-olds. You know you love my yellow construction paper crowns...

six // My new favorite pass time, you ask? Facetiming with my cute eleven-year-old little sister [Happy Birthday Rie].

seven // 5 days and thirteen dollars in late fees later, we returned our rented movies. Whoops. 

eight // All the supplies a new primary teacher needs. You know...construction paper, crayons, chalk, glue sticks, and of course M&M's. I gotta keep those little kiddos sufficiently busy and easily bribed [thus, the M&M's]. 

nine // Today is Maycie Laine's one month birthday! To celebrate, Jake took me to Sonic to relive my biggest pregnancy craving. I am sure little Miss M appreciated it even up in heaven. 

ten // I have been busy writing thank you cards for all those who supported us after Maycie passed. I am overwhelmed by the outpouring of support we received.

Just as small side note -- My sisters surprised us with a donation fund set up on our behalf. Unfortunately, we do not receive the names of those who donated. So, if any of you out there contributed to this account, please please PLEASE know we are so appreciative and wish we could personally thank each and every one of you.  And I would LOVE to thank you myself...so SPILL! If you contributed, let me know. I really would feel better about the whole thing if I could personally thank you. 

eleven // Our night consisted of football [blah]. Don't worry...I kept myself busy on Pinterest. 

twelve // Turns out my pre-pregnancy clothes are not even close to fitting my post-pregnancy body. And I don't think my new job [yep ... I start on Monday - details later] would appreciate me wearing my sweatpants to work every day. Cue excuse for a day of thrifting! 

Our Sweet Angel Baby...

"The Lord takes many away even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again." - Prophet Joseph Smith

Today is the scheduled day Maycie was supposed to be born. 
In her memory, I decided it was time to recap her birth story.

//

On Tuesday, December 11th, I met with my doctor for my weekly appointment. I mentioned I felt decreased movement from little Maycie. I was sent over for a stress test to monitor her heart rate. The test came back "just okay". My doctor decided to see me the following day for an ultrasound and a follow-up stress test.  On Wednesday, December 12th, I had a 9:30am ultrasound [I think it was about our 20th ultrasound...we lost count]. By 9:35, my tech made the decision Maycie needed to be delivered that day. Her amniotic fluid was almost nonexistent. My doctor sent me home for one hour to pack a bag and shower and then I needed to go back to the hospital for the stress test before heading to Salt Lake.  Maycie's heart rate fluctuated way to much. At one point it went from 70 bpm all the way up to 180 bpm in a matter of seconds. But the little fighter corrected herself as much as she could.

[Last baby bump picture taken right before delivery in the UUMC bathroom]

The drive to SLC was never ending. Jake and I couldn't wait to meet our little girl but we were also very nervous to deliver at 35 weeks [especially because our doctor, Dr. Draper, was at a medical conference in South Africa]. Once we arrived, I was immediately set up on machines to monitor Maycie's heart. At one point, we had about 6 doctors rush into our room and tell us they needed to take me NOW. I had to hurry and sign some consent forms while they started to wheel my bed away. My heart dropped. This was not the way I had imagined meeting my little girl. But Maycie fought once more and was able to correct her heart rate just in time. It was a very scary 60 seconds. The doctors were able to slow down and catch their breath which made the situation a little less scary for Jake and I. We were taken into the delivery room about 20 minutes later. Maycie was born at 7:44pm. She weighted 3 lbs 3 oz and was 16 inches long.

The actual delivery went quite quick. Jake insisted on watching the whole procedure. Makes me queasy just thinking about it. I kept begging him to sit down next to me, which he did. But then I would catch him sneaking back up to watch. Silly boy. There were a few complications with the closure and I had quite the "fun" reactions to the medication [I am sure the nurses got awfully sick of me throwing up on them]. But through it all, I just wanted to meet my little girl.

In the delivery room, there is a small window straight into the NICU at University of Utah. Right when they delivered Maycie, she was transfered through the "window". I didn't get to see her at this point. One of the reasons for this was Maycie's omphalocele ruptured upon delivery. Oringinally, her "O" was surrounded by a membrane that concealed her organs. For whatever reason, the membrane broke and exposed her organs upon delivery. Her "O" became even more life threatening at this point.

Once she was taken through the window, her doctors wrapped her omphalocele the best they could so she could be safely transported to Primary Children's. PCMC actually sent a life flight team over to pick up Maycie. They even gave her a cute little t-shirt showing she had been life flighted, even though they just wheeled her down a small hallway to PCMC. On their way to Primary's, the life flight team stopped in my room so I could meet my little girl. I can't express the feelings I had at that moment. Her abnormalities were very apparent, but she was beautiful. Perfect in every way. This visit with my little girl was extremely short because Maycie needed the medical attention Primary's offered.

[Meeting Maycie during her "life flight". I couldn't move from my spinal tap so Jake had to hold me up.]

Jake followed Maycie to PCMC while I was taken to my room. The next several hours dragged on forever. I wanted to be with my sweet baby girl, but due to my spinal tap [and...you know...being sliced in half], I was told I would have to wait 12 hours before I could make the trip to Primary's.

Around midnight [about 4 hours after delivery] Jake called me and gave me devastating news. The doctors thought there was a very good chance Maycie would not make it through the night. I was heartbroken. I could not believe my little girl might pass away with me only seeing her for 5 minutes. But that night I was extremely blessed with two amazing nurses who "fibbed" on my charts stating I was in better medical condition than I actually was. Due to their kindness, I was able to make it to PCMC around 3:30am to see Maycie. I will never forget their compassion in that situation.

To see Maycie in the NICU with her daddy holding her tiny hand was heartbreaking and breathtaking at exactly the same time. Her tiny body was covered in medical equipment. But her little spirit was so apparent underneath all of the tubes and needles. All I wanted to do was reach out, hold her in my arms, and take all of her pain away.

The next day [or later that day, I guess] I was able to take my parents, my sister Kim, and my brother Alan and his wife into the NICU to meet little Maycie. I kept imagining how their meeting would have been so different if Maycie was healthy. But I will never regret the closeness I felt with my family members as we stood next to Maycie's hospital bed.

[My daddy wheeling me to see baby Maycie]

Each visit I made to the NICU that day was filled with new information from several doctors who never left Maycie's side. And each time I received even more devastating news. My little girl was sedated, but still felt pain. This fact caused me more pain and hurt than I can even describe.

By the end of that day, it was apparent our little Maycie would not survive her many complications. The several machines attached to her and the many medications given were the only things keeping our little girl here on earth. Because of this, Jake and I had to make the decision to let our little Maycie return to her Heavenly Father. As I look back, I know Jake and I were both being "comforted" at that time. It was the hardest decision we would ever have to make, but we both knew it was the right one.

Jake's parents arrived at the hospital around midnight to meet Maycie Laine before her ventilator was turned off. Once they arrived, Maycie's team of doctors moved her into a private room where we could finally hold our little girl. I cannot begin to describe the feelings I had when our sweet little girl was placed in my arms. I have never felt closer to heaven than I did at that moment.

Jake and his dad were able to give little M a blessing before she passed. It was such an amazing experience and I will forever cherish the feelings I felt as I watched Jake hold his little girl in his arms at that moment.

Being in that room with my little girl while she passed was the most painful and most comforting experience I have ever had. Time passed slowly and quickly at exactly the same time. Little Maycie Laine Schwartz returned to her heavenly home at 6am on 12.14.12 -- about 36 hours after birth.

I am so grateful for every single one of the people who were there that night helping Maycie pass with the least amount of pain possible. I am grateful for each of their sweet comments. I am grateful for the little memorabilia they gifted us with. I am grateful for the professional photographer who captured our first and last moments of holding our little girl [can't wait to see them]. I am just so grateful.

//

Maycie's tiny little body was laid to rest in Malta on 12.21.12, one week after she passed. We held a small graveside funeral surrounded by our closest family members. Maycie's Grandpa Schwartz gave an opening prayer and her Grandpa Branch gave the dedicatory prayer. Her daddy said a few words as well. It was short and perfectly sweet -- just like her life on this earth. 

[Maycie Laine's 19 inch casket. So little.]

[Some of Maycie's things the hospital gave us. Her little hand cast is my favorite. And her headband...it fits on my wrist]

//

Thank you all for the love and support you have offered us. I cannot begin to express our gratitude. The outpouring of support we have received - both emotionally and financially - has been overwhelming. Jake and I will forever be grateful for each and every one of you.  

2012: A Year in Review

In 2012, I...

Completed my last semester at ISU / Went to a Brad Paisley concert / Spent the night without power after a drunk driver hit our power pole / Survived a whole semester with the "cat lady" / Called my professor "Sister" Launspach...oops / Watched a fire overtake Pocatello / Picked up my very own "Spanish" stalker / Celebrated our 23rd and 25th birthdays / Began the second search for a house to purchase / Bought our first home / Began the remodeling stage on our home / Planted grass in our lovely [ugly] front yard / Successfully convinced Jake to do my online Spanish class / Graduated from ISU with a Bachelors of Literary English / Moved into the best ward we have ever been in / Helped Jake transition into his new job / Surprised Jake with cute little Duke onesies to tell him we were pregnant / Had to explain the meaning of the cute little Duke onesies to Jake because he didn't get it / Fought through the nausea and exhaustion of the first few months of pregnancy / Found out we were expecting a special little girl / Quit my job at the hotel after almost 5 years [bummer] / Learned I am the worst "housewife" ever / Went on our family Lagoon trip / Realized my love of baking...but hate of cooking / Went to Sonic almost every day for a month to satisfy my pregnancy craving / Watched every episode of Big Bang / Got new callings in our ward / Became parents to the most beautiful little girl ever / Said goodbye to Maycie Laine "until we meet again" / Fell in love with my husband all over again / Realized c-sections are not fun...at all / Reached two years of "wedded bliss" / Became eternally grateful for my understanding that families are forever / and finally Greeted 2013

Happy New Year. Here's to new beginnings in 2013. 

-Kate